Church
Member Boiled Alive in Backyard Bible Skit!
One
non-Christian adult is dead and two Christian children are without skin
after a backyard Bible skit ended in tragedy earlier this week. The
mishaps occurred when Fernie Walker, age 6, decided to perform a
Christmas play for his friends and...
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Church
to Sterilize Demon Possessed Infants!
"The first thing we
do," Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred explains, "is put a Bible on
the floor. If the baby crawls away from the Bible, it immediately
becomes a candidate for sterilization."
...
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Unarmed
Student Shot in the Head by a Jesus Puppet!
Even though it was the Old
Testament, we still had a Jesus puppet because we are Christian and I
just felt like the whole thing would be way too Jewish without Him.
Anyway, God was killing whole villages of first-borns, but the Jesus
puppet went off-scripture and started shooting....
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Pastor's
Orders Christian Men to Think Only About Jesus While Masturbating
The new policy is not without
its limitations, however. "While the Bible does not outlaw
masturbation, it severely restricts the circumstances under which it may
occur," noted Pastor Deacon Fred. The first restriction is
that no...
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Unsaved
Five-Year-Old's Body Is Dug Up and Relocated to Unmarked Grave
Because only the saved can be
buried in Landover Baptist Saved Souls Christian Cemetery, verified
proof is required that the deceased had accepted Jesus Christ as their
Personal Savior before the earth can be turned....
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$2
Million Raised for Luxury Bible Safari Tour of Ethiopia
Those church members who
undertake the journey will enjoy luxurious accommodations and find their
every whim taken care of. Major Donor, Mrs. Ida Denkins, makes the trip
every year. "We have a Colonial Estate in Ethiopia," she
remarks. "It's ...
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Landover
Baptist's New Concentration Campus for Divorcees
All of the women
rounded up and removed were living in sin as adulterers with second
(shockingly, sometimes third) husbands. They will be held at the
Landover Baptist Internment Campus For Divorced Women until they can be
repatriated with the only husband God recognizes (their first) and...
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Church
To Allow Gals To Vote
"This is not an end to the
ban, just a temporary suspension," he observed. "As soon
as the November election is over, the old policy will be reinstated.
And we will never allow gals to become...
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Ladies
of Landover Discover Depraved Cult in Utah!
A
charter jet whisked the ladies from Freehold to the Salt Lake City
airport where a limousine transported them to a giant courtyard nestled
between the towers of a collection of buildings called: "Temple of
the Chosen Few...
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3-Year-Old
"Hates Jesus," Wishes, "Everyone Was Dead"
An exorcism was arranged
immediately. Teddy was tied to a bed and beaten across the back of
his thighs with a bull whip as a last ditch effort to see if it was
really demons that had gotten hold of him. With each beating, the
child yelled out, "I hate you...
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Pummeling,
Plagues and Pestilence
Landover petitions for a
Biblical Criminal Code. "Plagues, disease and pestilence aren't
nearly as difficult as you might think," Brother Harry noted.
"We can easily inject wrongdoers with a myriad of viruses which
have been stored by our military for use against brown and yellow people
who refuse to accept our plan for the planet....
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Old
Coffee Table Actually Ark of Covenant
Church members learned that for
the past 22 years the sacred Ark was in storage in an unused slave cabin
at Mrs. Gaines' "Ten Mile, Tennessee Plantation." It was left
untouched and all but forgotten until last month when....
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Landover
Baptist Historical Society: Grand Opening
A Warm Welcome to all Church
members! What you are about to see here is the culmination of 27 years
of intensive research. Until today, most of the restored photographs in
our church library were seen only by....
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Church
Wins Gold Organ In National Soul Winning Contest
The schedule for the children
was rigorous. Each day, hundreds of new lost tots were dropped off at
the west sanctuary for orientation. They were told there would be no
snacks unless and until they attended morning, mid-morning and early
afternoon indoctrination services...
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Actor
Playing Jesus is Accidentally Crucified in This Year's Passion Play
I tell you,"
said Pastor Deacon Fred with pride, "we've got so many actors that
when we get to that big scene when all those bloodthirsty Hebrews are
screaming for Pontius Pilate to kill Jesus, it looks like we've got more
Jews than Beverly Hills...
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Perverted
Teacher Turns Kindergarten Into Homosexual Training Camp!
After a full one-day
investigation, the Ladies of Landover discovered that Mrs. Sunnybrook
is, in reality, one of Satan's minions who had been polluting the minds
of Landover's elite children for over two decades...
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Pastor
Expelled for Praying to Moses
There ain't nothin' cute when
you know that prayer could bounce off a cloud and hit a demon in the
head! That demon will go berserk! Mark my words... you don't want no
maniacal demon made rabid by a misguided prayer. Demons are
already nuts!...
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3rd
Annual Personal Testimony Contest
So what kind of a devil loving,
limp-wristed pansy were you? How long have you been sinking your teeth
into Satan's pot roast of perversion? Spare us NO details! This is your
chance to get behind the pulpit and spill your guts...
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Is
Dancing a Sin? Not if it's For Jesus!
One of the young people, Skylar
Mayes, stood and said with a gleam in her eye, "Let's have a
rave!" (Well, I knew that "rave" meant, "to
declaim loudly and act with extreme enthusiasm," but I had know
idea...
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Vision
of the Virgin Mary Seen, Asked to, "Kindly LEAVE!"
We are Baptists, and will not
be distracted from our Lord Jesus. We are not impressed with your
ability to show up unexpectedly and create confusion! Satan is the
author of confusion. Now KINDLY LEAVE!' And with that.." Mrs.
Swindle related....
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Grand
Opening: Body of Christ Burger Barn!
From now
on, Church members will remember Jesus every single time they sit down
and sink their teeth into a juicy hamburger!....
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