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FALSE HOLIDAYS THAT
DISHONOR CHRIST JESUS
Hanukkah:
Jews Celebrate the Murder of Christ!
A Report From the Front Lines of the War on Christmas!
 Freehold,
Iowa - Being the true Christians that we are, Landover members have
turned a blind eye to the filthy Jewish cult for some time. We
have allowed the Yids to practice their pagan rituals in Freehold
without objection. Jews cite holiday after holiday, none of which
find any support in the Bible, as an excuse to avoid work. "Every
time I telephone my accountant, it seems he's out of the office for some
heathen celebration," noted Brother Harry Hardwick, honorary Landover
pastor. "It's either ‘Yom' this or ‘Rosha' that. I no longer
even question this because just listening to him pronounce the names is
painful to the ears."
Landover's complacency is ending, now that church members have learned
what happened last year at Christmas-time. "When people told me
Jews were celebrating that Chewbacca thing, right around the birthday of
our Lord, I just assumed it was another attempt to mock Christians,"
recalled a concerned Pastor Deacon Fred. "I figured they're going
to burn in Hell anyway, so why should we care? I had no idea of
the evil that goes on in those Christ-killers' homes."
The discovery occurred last year when Brother Harry and his lovely wife,
Heather, attended a December banquet at the home of a Jew. "My
lawyer sent an invitation to a dinner in honor of ‘Hanukkah,'" noted
Brother Harry. "I had no idea what that was but thought nothing of
it. After all, those Jews will celebrate anything. They
declare a holiday at the drop of a hat. If one of them finds a
nickel on the ground, the whole neighborhood parties for eight days.
My lawyer had just gotten some frivolous RICO charges dropped, so I felt
obligated to attend. Anyway, I just assumed they were celebrating
some little boy getting his foreskin chopped off, so we RSVP'd."
"It was awful," noted a still distraught Mrs. Hardwick. "When we
arrived at the house, there were Hell-bound Jews everywhere. You
must understand that I'd never been in an unsaved person's car, much
less home, so I didn't know what to expect. I grew up on the
Lord's word, so I know how scurrilous Christ-killers are, but even my
worst nightmares of Jewry could never have prepared me for being in one
of their horrible houses. It is no wonder that we are told in
Paul's wonderful First Epistle to the Thessalonians that Jews are
displeasing to the Lord. You should see how they decorate!
And there were so many of them, I could barely get enough oxygen.
Our host insisted on introducing us to all of them. Everyone was
‘what you ma call it-berg' or ‘who's it-stein.' And each of them
wished me a ‘Happy Hanukkah.' After a while, I learned to duck
every time they sprayed the word ‘Hanukkah.' By the time we left,
the top of my dress looked as though I had recently delivered a baby.
For the first time in my life, I found myself wishing there were Arabs
in Freehold."
The Hardwicks were shocked to learn that Hanukkah is a celebration of
the Jews' brutal murder of our Savior and their compact with Lucifer,
himself. "We might as well have dined with Satan-worshipers,"
noted Brother Harry. "I now know that ‘Hanukkah' is Hebrew for
‘Death of the Lord.' They first brought out these collections of
candles on poles. I knew instantly the objects represented the
Jews' hatred of Christ. The candles were joined together to form the
shape of the devil's pitchfork. Those Jews delighted in lighting a
candle for every time Jesus screamed in pain on the cross their
forefathers made. When they finished, the fully candle-lit home
was the clearest replica of Hell I have ever seen. I was sick to
my stomach and ready to leave, but Heather was famished, so we stayed."
The next ritual was the opening of presents. "Those poor children
got almost nothing," noted Mrs. Hardwick. "Just little trinkets.
The most substantive gift they received were little pieces of chocolate
wrapped in foil to resemble gold coins. I know those people are
stingy and cheap, but this was ridiculous." Brother Harry had a
different take on the gifts. "The gold coins symbolize the Jews'
love of money. The children are taught by example to collect as
much of our money as they can and to save it until the day they can
stage a takeover of the world's financial institutions, like the time
they caused the Great Depression. That's when we'll know the End
Times are here."
The Hardwicks were next told it was time to play games. "After all
that had transpired, I certainly wasn't surprised to learn that the game
they wanted to play involved gambling," observed Brother Harry.
"Gambling–Satan's ultimate tool. Someone brought out a four-sided
top that those Jews would spin on the ground. Each player
collected a certain amount from the pot based on which side the top
landed. And children actually participated! I half-expected
them next to bring out a roulette wheel and three or four hookers.
Needless to stay, I slammed my foot on that thing until it had shattered
into a thousand pieces. Some of the Jesus-slayers looked at me
strangely, so I said, ‘You stomp on drinking glasses for no good reason
whereas I stamp out sin in the Lord's name.'"
Just as the Hardwicks were about to storm out of that house, dinner was
served. "The food was absolutely dreadful and more proof of their
Satanic ways," noted Mrs. Hardwick. "Everything was fried,
undoubtedly to symbolize the frying performed by their master in Hell.
Granted, I've never had an aversion to deep-fried food, but they fried
everything, even bread. And to serve jelly doughnuts and pancakes
for dinner is truly the sign of a classless cult. When I asked for
some maple syrup, they actually looked surprised, then handed me sour
cream instead. How insulting, not to mention bizarre! I
suspect that even the Moonies aren't that peculiar or rude. When I
learned the batter for the flapjacks was made of potato, I had been
through quite enough and was ready for some rebuking."
Mrs. Hardwick engaged in a concerted effort to save as many Jews as she
could once the desserts were gone. "I knew every remaining moment
we had in this Hell-house was a praise-filled opportunity to bring these
pathetic lost souls to Christ. When the hostess asked if I would
like coffee, in front of her entire living room, I politely replied,
'Ruth, honey, unlike you, I don't need to fill my empty life with a
cheap caffeine buzz. You see, when you have the Holy Spirit
running through your veins, you don't need artificial highs. But
you wouldn't know that, now would you? Because you are just a sad
little unsaved Jew. I think I'll just get high on the Blood of the
Lamb and skip the coffee, dear.'" The Hardwicks were compelled to
leave shortly thereafter. "Those Jews had this look in their eyes
that made me think, ‘deja vu,'" noted Brother Harry. "I didn't
think that was the place where the Lord intended to take us, and Heather
insisted the gown she was wearing was not conducive to having her arms
stretched to the side. So we left before they started gathering
plywood." The Hardwicks reported the scandalous event to Pastor
Deacon Fred several days later.
 Pastor
announced this month that the church will do everything it can to
prevent any repetition of this tragedy. "I have ordered several
true Christian couples to save the 14 Jewish children in Freehold by
picking them up at school and bringing them to the members' homes to
live," he noted. "They will first be forced to apologize for their
ancestors' murder of our Lord and then will accept Christ, whether they
like it or not. Sometimes you have to destroy a Jew family in
order to save it."
At a recent press conference to announce her new Baptist ministry,
Hebrews Are The Enemy, which will educate people about how theologically
unsound and generally annoying Jews are, Landover Lady, Betty Bowers,
faced a barrage of questions about the new church policy from angry
secular reporters working for Jewish media conglomerates. One reporter
noted that the Catholic Church created an international incident in the
19th Century when Pope Pius IX kidnapped a Jewish child and made the
child live with him in the Vatican. The reporter also naively challenged
Landover's new policy on legal grounds. The always-poised Mrs. Bowers
responded: "Legally speaking, whether we are talking about the Court of
God's Judgment or a court of law, the outcome is the same -- Jews don't
have a prayer. Besides, this is not kidnapping. It is soul saving! By
the time the first case makes it through the courts, George W. Bush will
already have appointed new Supreme Court justices and our loving act of
helping children unfortunate enough to be born to Jews will be deemed
the free exercise of religion by Christians. Indeed, to claim that
Christians can't save these little Jews is tantamount to religious
persecution. And this is completely different than the Pope Pius affair.
I mean, kidnapping so that a Jew can become a Catholic? Talk about going
from the frying pan into the Hellfire!"
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