Speak in Tongues in 5 Days or Your Money Back!
Within a day, you will learn to make up things that even you can't understand while in a hot-footed hillbilly trance...
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Hey Kids! Pack Your Guns! It's Time for Vacation Bible Camp!
Mothers, if you receive a call from the camp Pastor, telling you that your child is acting like a little Nancy boy and crying about how much he misses his mother, resist the temptation to "rescue" your child (Permission Slip Download)...
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Women Probably Don't Have Souls: Bible FACT!
Women are therefore completely subordinate to men (1 Corinthians 11:3). Once men enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they will be one with God, and will no longer be in need of mortal companionship. Thus, the reason behind having women will no longer exist. Women, like the members of the animal kingdom, will fall by the wayside."...
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Will I See My Grandpa Naked After the Rapture?
Grandpappy will be as naked as a pair of sphynx kittens, skipping down Main Street as soon as you get through the pearly gates!  But don’t fret, dear Kimmy, for it will not be the nakedness you will have come to know during your short life...
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Accept Christ, Get a Free Playstation 2!
Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card.  We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and...
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Book Burning: A True Christian Tradition
The burning of books is nothing new to True Christians®.  We invented the practice over two-thousand years ago as a way to promote our faith in the Lord Jesus. In the early days of Christianity, when new believers in Christ were converted, they were....
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This Mother's Day, Ask Yourself: Do I Hate My Mother as Much as Jesus Hated His?
Can you imagine being doted and hounded by your own mother as much as Jesus was from His?  Even for a Jewish mother, the woman was clearly a pest. Scripture reveals to us that she was an insufferable leech when it came to her precious Son...
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Win Free Tickets to Church! 
It's not just two free tickets to the largest church in North America!  Here is what's included if you win this incredible package....
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Bibles to be Published With Parental Advisory Labels
Church authorities are worried that if all references to violence in the Bible are removed, they will be left with a piece of scrap paper the size of a business card containing a few words from Jesus...
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A Christian Parents' Handy Guide to Biblical Terminology
Look at the flow of blood from a woman’s private parts that occurs monthly as part of God’s punishment for eating an apple.  Secularists call this menstruation, but the Bible teaches us that it is to be called, uncleanness, sickness, and filthiness...
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Cruisin' For Jesus!
A Holy Ghost-inspired spontaneous midnight ministry trip to Las Vegas, Nevada on Pastor's private jet. Sources close to church officials say that around 9 p.m., Brother Harry Hardwick was overcome with a burden for "gamblers and prostitutes...
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Is Dancing a Sin?  Not if it's For Jesus! 
One of the young people, Skylar Mayes, stood and said with a gleam in her eye, "Let's have a rave!" (Well, I knew that "rave" meant,  "to declaim loudly and act with extreme enthusiasm," but I had know idea...
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Don't Get Caught on the Toilet When Jesus Comes Back!
Jesus ain't gonna rapture anyone with their pants hanging down by their ankles. Shame on you! He is not coming back to endure the evil smells you make in the bathroom....
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Back to School Witnessing Tips for True Christian™ Students!
Here are some great tips for fighting Satan on his own turf and claiming your school in the name of Jesus! ...
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Good News for Christian Video Gamers!  Unreal Tournament Bible Based Maps and Characters Are on the Way!
Timothy explained the rules of what he called, Christian Insta-Gibbing Death Matches. He also took each player on a complete tour of each map. "The first map is just kind of a fun map where you are back in Bible times in Jerusalem, only Jesus and his disciples are armed with modified shock rifles," he explained....
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Is Your Christian Child in Trouble?
Some of these signs, or "behaviors," as secular humanists call them, are easy to spot. Others are more difficult to see and might require you to rummage through their personal belongings or enlist the assistance of a Christian detective. In any case...
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Why Would Someone Create an Elaborate Website to Make Fun of Fundamentalist Christians?
I can certainly understand someone who doesn't wish to sit back and allow others to simply believe as they wish, dear. Indeed, the Internet is full of True Christian websites that take time to bring people the Good News (that they are going straight to Hell)...
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900 Pound Pastor Preaches From Bed
When Pastor Horace "The Bull" Johnson received his Landover Baptist Lifetime Achievement Award last week, he delivered his acceptance speech using a bullhorn from his bed, which had been hoisted 200 feet above his house by an industrial...
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It's Not Gambling if It's For Jesus!
This whole thing is just a great opportunity for vacationing Christians to give a little bit back to Jesus and have a whole heck of a lot of fun doing it...
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The Jesus Values Excellence Awards! 
They were treated to a seven course meal, live entertainment, scripture readings, and Rev. Pat Robertson entertained the crowd by pulling a few amazing religious stunts out of his Pentecostal bag of tricks.....
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Book Burning Safety Tips
As a True Christian™ you understand that the reading of non-Christian books is like opening up the sewer lid of Hell and allowing Satan to creep out and crawl into your child's innocent little mind.  We pray that the chart below will...  
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Freehold Iowa TV Guide (Landover Baptist Friendly)
This award winning program schedule covers the greater Freehold, Iowa area and surrounding Christian communities. The program schedule does not change unless noted....
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You Are Going Straight To Hell!
The Lord has told us that the road to Heaven is narrow and while many are called, few are chosen. In other words, it is clearly God's plan that most people should be consigned to an eternity in an imminently disagreeable Hell...
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Personal Testimony Contest Winner!
I don't have nearly the Christian values it takes to win such a prestigious award, but a member of my family does: my sister-in-law, whom I lovingly call "Sis."  She was once a terribly private person who.....
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Learning to Treat Negroes Like Human Beings
"You know, the funny part," Dr. Robertson chimed in, "is how the evil evolutionists can't answer the basic questions such as, 'if evolution is true, why are there still monkeys? I mean, except for the other kind. It's just godlessness run amuck....
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Christian Children's Art Competition Focuses on Book of Revelation
The rules for the competition were simple: select your favorite passage from the Book of Revelation and illustrate it! 2,000 Landover youths took out their crayons and started drawing.  Some of their drawings turned out nearly as good as those wood pictures by that German Bible illustrator, Albert Durwood...
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American Children Encouraged to Quit School and Join Landover Baptist's True Christian™, "Homskouling Are Childrun Projeckt"
Are childrens good education is bout the most important thing we can give them all.  So why whould anyone trust it to nonChristains and other Satanic types?  I think I speak with some authority when I say that public schools our no place to teach children...
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FREE: $5,000 Christian Cruise!
Imagine drinking in the exotic sights and sounds of Jesus' old stomping grounds. Indulging in world class shopping at every port! You will discover a treasure trove, a bounty of the world's most desirable merchandise. Tickle your Baptist taste buds with some of the Holy Land's secret mouth watering recipes...
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