ANNUAL E-MAIL MARKETING
Jesus is Going to Kill My Son if You
Don't Help Me!
RE: E-Mail Marketing Campaign
For those Church members who were unable to attend
the "Work From Home With Jesus" meeting last Tuesday night, you are now
authorized to use a new message for the Annual Holiday Marketing
Campaign beginning on December 22 and ending February 21.
E-Mail Marketing Instructions For Church
Each Christian marketer will
be paid $3 for every 1 million e-Mails sent, as part of your contract. The photo of Pastor's son
comes in four varieties based on regional and racial marketing targets.
So if you are mailing to a part of the country that has Mexicans, use
the picture of Pastor's son wearing a sombrero with the dead Chihuahua.
If you are mailing to the urban areas, please use the image of the
buck-tooth colored boy with an old radio on his shoulders. If you
are confused about the demographics and which image will get the highest
return, pick up the market targeting brochure in the church lobby.
Image files in your mass
mailings should be also attached to:
which can be downloaded from the "R" Drive on the Landover LAN.
When opened, the file conducts a search of the receiver's contact list
and will gather additional e-Mail addresses. These captured addresses
will be returned electronically to the central hub at the Freehold data
farm for distribution upon the Lord's favor to other marketers. Please DO NOT OPEN THE FILE ON
YOUR HOME COMPUTER! We will not be held liable for any damages or
loss of data. The Spirit Sniffer file is intended ONLY to be opened by
recipients in your mailing list program.
If you have any questions, or have difficulty
downloading attachments (including the mail counter program and the
actual mailing list program if you are a new employee), please talk with
Timothy Huxton in tech support. We don't want to put his e-mail up here
because his inbox is already overloaded with support requests.
Simply cut and paste the message below and replace it with last month's
Begin Cut and Paste Marketing Message
SUBJECT: Jesus is Going to Kill My Son if
You Don't Help Me!
Please forgive me for wasting your precious time, but I want to make you
aware that Jesus is going to kill my son and that you will be partly
responsible for his death if you do not respond to my message in time.
You do not know me, but perhaps you have heard of
me. I am a very humble and Godly man from Freehold, Iowa who has taken
it upon myself to help a small group of poor and destitute people. I am
pasturing their church and my name is Mr. Pastor Deacon Fred. Our
congregation is small, and many of us can not afford but a can of beans
for Christmas Dinner. But we are Americans, not AmeriCANT's. We
know that we can make a difference with your precious support! If you
love Jesus and America, you will drop what you are doing RIGHT NOW and
open up the attachment on this message. If you hate God, and America -
please open the attachment anyway, it contains vital updates for your
If you have read this message so far, I will tell
you that I am writing to you on behalf of my congregation who
has been in prayer for my son who needs an operation that will cost over
$3.5 Million US Dollars! Good Heavens! Where are we going to get that
kind of money? Well, we have a way for you to help us, without spending
a dime of your own money! In fact, when you send us money, our earnest
prayers will triple the return on your good will investment if your
faith in the Lord is true.
The details of my son's predicament are too
complicated to explain in this e-Mail. If you open the attachment to
this message there is more information, but what you really need to understand is
that Jesus is going to kill my little boy if we don't get the money in time for
his operation. Your faith gift of US $1000 or whatever you can afford
will acquit you of any charges we might press against you for your
inaction. And WE WILL PRESS CHARGES!
Understand - In the Lord's eyes, if you ignore this
message - legally you can be charged in the same way a bystander is
witnessing a horrible crime and walking away without doing a thing! Your
time in prison for ignoring this message is
nothing compared to what Jesus is going to do to you when He gets hold
of you and flings you into Hell for refusing to help.
Please send your faith gift (Cash or Money Order
ONLY!) IMMEDIATELY to the following address:
Landover Baptist Church
Faith Fundraising Center
77 Soulwinner's Lane
Freehold, Iowa 44587
End Cut and Paste Marketing Message