The congregation learned that Pastor
Deacon Fred recently ordered a team of Baptist researchers to
investigate Miss Swift's singing pitch as it relates to the
cause and effect of sexual activities among teenage
boys and demons. The extensive three day
investigation cost church members $2 million and was fully
tax deductible. Church members learned that over the last
year,
Landover Baptist Memorial Hospital admitted over 20 teenage
boys for broken hearts and penises. It was found that
each of the boys spent an extensive amount of time listening to
Taylor Swift's new album while leafing through lewd pictures
of her included in the CD Insert.
"I knew Satan was using
Taylor Swift to soil our Christian boys," Pastor
explained. "I sent my grandson, Timmy to our research
center to serve as a case study. But what I really wanted to
find out was how Lucifer is using Taylor Swift to promote
not only sexual, but also demonic activity! And what we found is shocking!"
(Landover Baptist Center For Excellence in Media Research -
Results of Study #1)
Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards
sequestered himself in a remote laboratory for three days.
He was assisted by renowned Demonologist, Mitch Walker,
two Baptist Psychologists and Pastor's grandson, Timmy. They utilized the latest
listening machines and watching devices to conduct their
research. "We found that half of the notes Taylor Swift
sings live are actually demon calls," Dr. Edwards explains.
"I don't know if ya'll ever heard a demon call
before, but they sound like a Pentecostal on crystal meth.
We understand that demons respond to sounds outside traditional
Western notions of the harmonic scale. This is why they
infest Britney Spears concerts and Oriental countries," he
continued. "Bill Carver, who assisted us, was a Music
Appreciation teacher at Landover Baptist Academy and he told
us that since many of Miss Swift's notes hover
anywhere from an 1/8 to a 1/4 tone above the pitch,. Demons
are able to hear this and from what we can make up about it,
they begin to mate wildly. And our research shows that their
mating frenzies can lead to the birthing of spawns
(demonic offspring) along with light human possession and
eventual physical manifestation.*"
(Landover Baptist Center For Excellence in Media Research -
Results of Study #2)
Pastor Deacon Fred used a Power Point
presentation to relate Dr. Edwards' findings to the congregation. "From
our research, we can say without a doubt that Miss Swift is responsible for
billions of fornicating demons and we must hold her
personally liable for the millions of new demons that result
in her singing just one song!" He said. "The secular world
of honkey-tonkers and booz hounds will find this laughable
because they don't believe in demons or in God Almighty. But
my friends, we battle with principalities of darkness! There
is a war going on between good and evil, and you have to
pick a side! I don't care if Miss Swift is forcing innocent
boys to masturbate or causing demons to fornicate! She is on
Lucifer's payroll and she's signing for Satan! Glory!"
The Board of Deacons voted on the
following night
to add "Possessing or Listening to any of Miss Swift's music
in any media format including television to be punishable by
a $1,000 fine and 280 mandatory Christian Service Hours."
The Board also reserves the right to revoke church
membership and admit a $10,000 withdrawal fee as it reviews
each case involving Miss Swift.
Freehold, Iowa - 
