America Needs Dick!
We never thought we'd see the day when a politician would embody all the values we hold so dear. The Republicans have finally given us a single word that describes what we believe and who we really are. That word is, "Dick."

True Christians Boycott Olympics!

None of our daughters need to see a large black penis flopping around under Lycra from 100 -- much less 1000 -- meters.
Click Here for Graphic Review

Unsaved Required To Buy This Shirt
"If you are unsaved and are visiting Landover Baptist, you are required to purchase and wear a T-shirt that says as much. This shirt will help us identify you as a trespasser.
Click Here To Purchase Shirt>

N'SYNC Killed My Baby!
"Heavy-metal rocker Justin Timberlake writes cruel lyrics to encourage a sweet 13-year-old girl to kill herself. Only Landover Baptist has the Christian mother's angry story: "How many girls have to die before these blood-thirsty acid rockers are satisfied?”
Tell me more!>

EMINEM: Born Again!
Marshall Mathers, known also as Eminem and Slim Shady, has become a born-again Christian. Betty Bowers gets the first interview to discuss his conversion. Hear his first Christian Rap song!
Take Me There NOW!>

3 Year Old Hates Jesus, Wishes Everyone Was Dead
"We locked him in the closet," Mrs. Ruxpin said. "We said, 'Teddy! you are not coming out of this closet until you tell us YOU LOVE JESUS!'" An exorcism was arranged immediately.
Click For Story: Child Exorcism!>

Die, Already.
Mumbling satanic sermons, he waves his hand from balconies like some palsy drunk hailing a cab. The second thing to cross one's mind - after Satan in a skirt -- is, "When is Lucifer going to call this old fool home?"
Click for full details>

The Shepherd's Purse
For Church Members Only!
If you are not a member of Landover Baptist Church, you are not authorized to view this page, your ISP number will be traced and you will be served with a lawsuit for invasion of privacy within 30 days of viewing this page.
Members Click Here for Details>

State of Iowa To Televise Executions
While an execution is clearly an occasion for celebration, one mustn't automatically reach for a white dress, especially for executions after Labor Day. Front row seats available. Ticketmaster/AOL keyword "Iowa Executions."
Landover Exclusive!>

Mrs. Christian USA!
Appearing once again with a few tricks up her sleeve, Sister Taffy defeats some formidable competition for the second consecutive year."
Click Here for Review

It's Coming...
Our Annual "Hell-O-Ween" Issue. Scheduled for release, September 11th. Alert the unsaved media!
Click Here for Recent Additions

our christian world

Midget Digested by Whale in Bible Re-Enactment
Last week, tragedy befell Napoleon Thumb, a recent Landover convert and participant in Sister Taffy's Dystrophic Dwarf Ministry. In his newfound Christian zeal, Thumb attempted to prove the Bible true by re-enacting one of its most controversial stories: Jonah and the whale. Thumb was placed in the whale tank at Landover Zoo last Thursday in hopes of being swallowed for three days and testifying about his experience at Sunday services. When Thumb hadn't been swallowed after eight hours, zoo keepers discovered that all of Landover's whales were apparently demon-infested since their mouths and throats were measured at just a few inches. At Thumb's request, Dr. Jonathan Edwards then surgically implanted him in the whale's belly. Dr. Edwards realized the experiment may have gone awry when the whale excreted a skeleton with a large skull attached to some very tiny bones. The whale was immediately cut open but all Dr. Edwards discovered was a leather band with metal studs that could easily fit around a lady's pinky.
Christian Youth Reports Parents Christian Youth member Jimmy Lloyd turned his heretical parents in to the Landover Subcommittee for Unchristian Activities yesterday. Eight-year-old Jimmy received a $500 referral fee for alerting church officials after his parents told him that God’s holy scripture regarding the creation of Adam and Eve “is not literally true, but simply a parable written to teach greater truths.” Jimmy has been placed in foster care pending the outcome of the full investigation of his parent’s blasphemous views, which could lead to their expulsion from the church and the loss of their home at Leviticus Acres.
Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus!
Two parents were hospitalized after a scuffle following last Sunday’s “Get Your Feet Hot For Jesus” altar call. As has become tradition, over 20 youngsters rushed to the front of the church at the end of Sunday’s 9 o’clock service to witness for Jesus. Tiffany Holmes, 13, was awarded $1,500 for giving the “Most Original Testimony” and Luke Wade, 11, was given a whack on the backside for giving the “Most Unoriginal Testimony.” Immediately after the prizes were given, Luke became overcome with demons and started bellowing in an unchristian manner. Mrs. Wade then climbed over her pew and physically attacked Mrs. Holmes, claiming that Tiffany had stolen all the good parts of Luke’s testimony. Both women are listed in satisfactory condition at Landover Baptist Hospital.
Sign Up Now!

Our Godly Film Reviews
The Patriot!
Betty Bowers reviews Hollywood's latest piece of anti-Christian trash.
Thomas & The Magic Railroad
Dinosaur: Not for Children
Me, Myself & Satan: Demon Possession
Gladiator: Homosexual lust!
American Psycho: Bill Clinton
Man on the Moon: ...or Devil in Hell?
Toy Story 2: Satan's New Film
The Green Mile: Men, Prison, Showers
Blair Witch Project: Dora Jean Reviews
Boys Don't Cry: 'Bull Dykes Don't Cry'
American Beauty: Ugly Satanic Slop
The Talented Mr. Ripley: Betty Bowers Reviews

Christian Movie Reviews We Agree With

Interact With God (Us)!
This week's schedule

Right Now! (All Times EDT)
60 Second Sermons: Updated 08/28
Big Brother: God Is Watching!
Bible Study: Brother Harry Hardwick
The Upper Room: Ladies Chat
Members Board: Decent Christian Talk
Movie Preview: Levitical Law Week
Women's Issues SisterTaffy.com
Daily Blessings: Sign Up!
Surf The Net With Jesus! Links!
Bible Punishment Quiz Take it!
What Did Jesus Say? Flash Quiz!

What Did I Miss?
June Sealed
Full Archive
Recent Additions

photo Betty's GOP Notebook:
No matter what anyone says, George W. can read a Teleprompter. Thus, he has the skills necessary to be an American president in the Information Age.

Gore Trailing!
March For Jesus
Gore Unsaved
Liberal Lies
Periolous Times!
Church Ladies
Homos & Kids!

Homo Agenda!
Fetus Harvest
Clinton - Porn Lover
Liberals Hate
Register To Vote>
Boycott Disney

Special Feature:
60 Second Sermons
Deacon Fred Preaches!
Real Audio. Updated Every Monday!
News Archives: Review Three Years Worth of Articles At Your Leisure
Church History: View Old Photos!
Meet The Staff: Read Biographies
Read Sermons: Fire & Brimstone
Hear Interviews
Read The Mail We Get
Daily Updates (What's New?)

A Godly Warning
We have taken the liberty of requesting a restraining order on all unsaved persons. If you are unsaved, you are not allowed within a 10 mile radius of our church, nor are you allowed on this website. Kindly leave, and be about the Devil's business, for you are not welcome here. Glory!

Search Landover Baptist:

About landoverbaptist.com | Advertising information | Help/Feedback
Join Us | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy | News Archives