From Our July
2009 True Christian™ Newsletter:
With Michael Jackson Dead, The World Becomes a Safer Place For Children!
LANDOVER BAPTIST'S OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON MICHAEL
Worldwide Press Reports
- Upon hearing news of Michael Jackson's death on Fox News
last night, millions of Christian parents opened the doors
of their little boys' bedrooms and asked them for the first
time, "Would you like to go and play outside?"
"The world today is twice as safe
for our precious children than it was yesterday when Michael
Jackson was still alive and prowling," said Pastor Deacon
Fred. "Especially little lily-white boys with well-shaped
heinies and the ability to keep a secret. Our sources say
that Mr. Jackson loved them the best." Pastor
explained that millions of boys across
will be able to play outside for the first time, without
fear of Mr. Jackson driving by and stuffing them into his
limousine to ply them with hard liquor (so-called,
Jesus Juice) and cozy compliments. However,
he noted that the world is not still completely safe.
"Parents still have to protect their children from Catholic
Priests," he said. "But they are not as much of a worry.
They usually wait for little boys to come to them. Mr.
Jackson, on the other hand, was the worst kind of predator.
We've been telling scary stories about the disfigured
Frankenstein of Funk to our Cub Scout troops for years!
In fact, we are absolutely certain that Mr. Jackson
has diddled over 400 juvenile tallywackers in this county
since last October
-- without even once been seen by anyone in Iowa!
That's how sneaky that freak was."
On the evening of June 25th, Baptist
ministry leaders learned that Michael Jackson's nose caved
in on itself after one too many plastic surgeries and he
suffocated during his Demerol-laced sleep. "This is
something you won't hear in the media," Pastor Deacon Fred
told church members. "We have someone on the inside, who
told us about it, even before the press got hold of it. His
nose either fell off or caved in - so don't believe any
other stories you hear. Just rejoice in the Lord that
this demon has been sent back to Hell where he belongs."
Landover Baptist Ministries revealed
that they received detailed information about Mr. Jackson
over the last four years from a young Chrisitan boy (who
will go unnamed to protect his safety and reputation) who
was placed in Michael Jackson's care as an undercover
spy for sin. "We wanted to get the goods on
Jackson," said Pastor Deacon Fred.
"We believe his behavior, especially when it came to little
boys, was something that he learned as a Jehovah's Witness
because those folks are crazy enough to do anything." Pastor
explained that the little boy they placed under
Jackson's care would fax crayon
sketches of Mr. Jackson's penis back to the Creation Science
Laboratory every Thursday night. "Usually, the sketch would
show a mottled tallywacker -- like a very old pinto pony's
-- hanging lengthwise down the page.
But last week, the brown and flesh colored crayons
depicted something sticking straight up -- across the page
-- and we knew that, after two or three more times, we were
going to have to move to protect that child -- and bring
Official Landover Baptist Church
Statement Concerning the Eternal Fate of Michael Jackson:
"Scripture teaches us that Michael Jackson is now burning
in Hell. He will forever be on the wrong side of the
buggery stick (now a pitch-fork), bent over on the desolate
shores of the
Lake of Fire
to be reared in the heinie in those rough sands by the hard
flesh - the enormous spiked red-tallywhackers of his
masters, the demons of Hell, forever. In Jesus
precious Name we pray and give thanks that our children are
now safe to play outside again.