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Halloween Reclamation: Hell House 2009!

Landover Baptist University for the Saved Opens Halloween
Hell Hospital!

Click to Enlarge - Hell House Circular Ad - Fits Most Church Bulletins!Freehold, Iowa - Students at Landover Baptist University for the Saved will be presenting this year's Hell House in the Old Rocky Creek Sanatorium for Presumptuous Coloreds, an abandoned mental hospital off route 43, 20 miles east of Des Moines. Landover Baptist acquired the property 87 years ago and has been using it to store Pastor's enormous collection of antique luxury cars. "All of that has been moved out to make room for Hell Hospital," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "Unsaved folks from miles around will be lining up throughout October to pay the $75 admission fee for Healthscare. I believe it is the most frightening Hell House we've ever done."

Hell Hospital will give visitors a blood-curdling, authentic peek inside one of Obama's government-run hospitals. Visitors will line up and be seated inside Hell Hospital's filthy waiting room, which is the size of nearly two football fields. "This is REAL TERROR," says Pastor. "Visitors will wait for hours -- sometimes days! -- just like they'll wait in one of Obama's hospitals just to get a used Band-Aid. Lead paint will be peeling off the walls, cathode ray televisions will be spooling hours of PBS specials on the Obama family's clothing and eating habits, all while hundreds of Baptist University students painted to look like Mexicans wearing little pink ears and snouts mingle with the crowd, dancing around sombreros and coughing into the faces of white children, passing on swine flu and Chlamydia," Pastor continued. "It is a real rip-roaring production!"

After a wait that will seem longer than sitting around for the Second Coming, a big fat Demoncrat nurse will finally call your ticket number over the crackling loud speaker and shove you into one of Hell Hospital's four rooms, depending on what you look like. After you visit one of the rooms described below, you will be shuffled out quickly to hear the plan of salvation and meet with one of four Republican Prayer and "Pay For Your Own Damned Surgery!" commandos to sign a letter of spiritual commitment to Christ and financial commitment to Landover Baptist Church. The large community pool previously used to clean retards and now posing as a mandatory water abortion clinic will also double as baptismal pool.

A Peek Inside Hell House 2009: The Rooms of Obama's Hell Hospital:

Mandatory Abortion Clinic and Water Abortion Pool: Pregnant women and any female under the age of 21 wearing makeup or displaying a bare midriff or knee will visit Obama's Abortion Factory. Upon entering the room, they will be overcome with the vile stench of rotting fetuses, left dangling from rusty OB/GYN stirrups and dripping onto the filthy linoleum. As the gals move through the room on the Abortion Factory assembly line, into the darkness, they will hear a crunching sound under their feet. The lights will flash to reveal a floor covered with the skulls of little human babies!  Just before the room is plunged back into darkness, the guests will see the enormous grinning white teeth of someone from across the room.  Is it a linebacker in a black wig?  No!  It's negress, Michelle Obama, and as she drop-kicks a baby skull across the factory, she lets out a blood-curdling laugh and screams: "Bring on the next bitch!"

Geriatrics Euthanasia Mill: Located in Hell Hospital's basement, visitors over the age of 40 (and under the age of 40 with any disability) will witness an Obama Death Panel firsthand. They will enter a dark area and a spotlight will appear over a table where two men are seated in the center of the room. The light will then pan across the walls where visitors will see hundreds of elderly men and women chained to a damp wall and dressed in rags, with urine and other body fluids running down their emaciated, mottled legs.

As visitors approach the table at the center of the room, they will see that the two men are Obama Administration-appointed officials, illiterate black thugs hired through affirmative action, who demand to be called "His Highness Potentate Judge." One of the judges will announce, "Now, it time to be deciding which one of you white folks get you some medical cares!"  The other judge will then pick up a sawed-off shotgun, which he points at the old people against the blood-speckled wall.  Each time he says, "You ain't getting none!" he shoots the patient in the head.  Visitors will be splattered with warm pig's blood that is forcefully jet-sprayed from behind the wall where the elderly patient was standing. Visitors will witness at least three shootings per session. Plastic ponchos are available in the Hell Hospital lobby for $75.

Sexual Reorientation Room: All children under the age of 21 without any disability will be taken directly to this room after the four-hour wait. They will witness patients being stripped of their clothes by wild, drunk dogs and prodded in the bottom by effeminate surgeons dressed in rubber, Roman Catholic priest outfits.   

Click Here to Enlarge an Actual Map of Hell Hospital One priest will say, "I think we should use the taxpayer dollars to see what would happen if we attached a boy's penis to the back of a monkey's butt  -- or, for convenience, the inside of the Pope's mouth!" A light will flash to show a dead monkey on an operating table with a erect penis crudely attached to its red rump.  Then the Pope will appear in a mustard colored Hitler Youth blouse and a German beer garden wench's full, Bavarian skirt, making obscene sucking noises, before writhing and passing out in ecstasy on a pile of naked altar boys.  As the Pope falls onto the boys, the visitors will see clearly that he isn't wearing undergarments.

Another doctor will say, "I think we should use the taxpayer dollars to see if we can turn a pretty little girl into one of those Rosie O'Donnell-type bull dykes." A light will flash to show a little girl sitting in a chair with her eyes being held open by tomboys with tweezers. She is watching "The Greta Van Susteren Story," a pornographic lesbian movie. When visitors move closer, they will see that an old nun is hungrily lapping at something between the young girl's legs.

The final doctor will announce: "I think we should use the taxpayer dollars to make every last person in Freehold, Iowa into a damned, penis-crazed homo! A light will shine onto a door in the back of the room where the Lord Jesus rushes into the room and hacks the doctors to pieces with a five-foot serrated machete made of gold and a rusty can-opener.

The Catch-All Sickness Room: Visitors who do not fit into any of the other categories will be shoved by a burly black nurse into a large sick room where they will witness dozens of ill and diseased patients, many in the country illegally, laying on the floor or slouched over wooden benches. Some patients will have open head wounds bleeding onto other patients; others will be moaning and screaming for green cards and medicine. The room will have very poor ventilation; the stink from feces and refried beans will be overwhelming.

After a moment, a spotlight will appear over a desk in front of the room where a doctor of African descent sits watching Oprah. He will call out a number and a patient will get up off the floor and crawl toward the doctor's desk made of precious stones. The doctor will ask them, "What be ailin' you muh brudda?" while not making eye contact with the patient. The war veteran patient will mumble something and the inattentive doctor will point to a giant bowl of assorted pills (some are aspirin, some Viagra, some anti-psychotics, but most are just Tic-Tacs) on the desk next to a jar of pickled pigs feet. Patients will pick a random pill and be given a glass of water, which is drawn from a clogged toilet with a ladle. Some will make it to the door; others will have seizures or start to attack other patients. The entire office will become a blood bath before visitors are walked out. As they leave, they will see the African doctor still sitting quietly at his desk, still watching Oprah and diddling something enormous under his smock.

Landover Baptist University for the Saved - Hell Hospital runs from September 27th through November 2nd. Tickets are available through Ticketmaster or by inquiring at any local fundamentalist Baptist church within a 200-square-mile radius of Des Moines.

Hell Hospital Tickets are not Exchangeable for Jerry Falwell's "Liberty University for the Saved's" - 2009 Baptist Scare You Into Heaven House!  - Which covers the South Eastern region of the United States Only!

 

 

 

 

 

 



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