"Good evening, Brothers and Sisters in the Lord’s righteous wrath and vengeance. Let us bow and our heads and thank our Savior that the dark days of the Catholic Cosa Nostra are over. The last of the Keynesian Kennedy clan is gone. (Now, folks in the balcony, don’t fret. That’s “clan” with a “c”.) I want to thank the Lord for picking off the latest lib, Teddy, the day before my weekly Wednesday sermon. And thank you Lord for taking him late at night, so I didn’t have to Tivo Fox News primetime. While I admire Bill and Sean greatly, my sense of righteousness and ear drums can’t take them twice in one day.

The despicable Kennedy legacy began with John F. Kennedy, the man who later beat Richard Nixon for the presidency, simply because Kennedy was youthful and credible during the presidential debates while Nixon, undoubtedly filled with the Holy Spirit, tended to sweat through his jacket. Earlier, during World War II, JFK commanded a motor torpedo boat that was rammed by a Japanese destroyer. Kennedy, later whining that his already-injured back was severely damaged by the collision (waa, waa!), swam to two different islands, towing an injured crew mate with a single lifejacket strap Kennedy held between his teeth. He ultimately ensured his crew was rescued by those on the second island. This single act of bravery earned Kennedy awards like the Purple Heart, blah, blah. And the incident was referred to several times during the 1960 presidential election. Frankly, as a conservative Christian, I am appalled that a candidate for the United States presidency would shamelessly resort to, or allow to be used by others, his war record to garner support for him. I can’t imagine a Republican doing that. Certainly, Godly George W. Bush never engaged in such a practice.

Fortunately, God had that Kennedy shot dead in Dallas, Texas, the city where they worship their guns almost as much as their Savior. (Never say irony is lost on the Lord.) The next do-gooder the Lord had fun with was Robert F. Kennedy. (Anyone who has read about the Kennedy boys’ personal exploits may know why they all have middle names beginning with “F.”) Robert sought to shut down the Mafia nationwide (i.e., eliminate the competition) and restore labor union credibility. But principally, he wanted to stop the war in Vietnam. God, who has no aversion to war, having ordered his chosen Israelites to invade and pillage all the towns they encountered, would have none of this and had this Kennedy shot as well. That was rather repetitive, but hey, plagues and locusts are bit more difficult to carry out in this age of advanced medical care and Chinese chefs.

Many years later, God rid us of JFK’s charismatic son who threatened to dazzle voters with his charm. God used one of his more common recent methods of destruction –an airplane crash – to rid us of this socialist. So, all that was really left in the way of significant Kennedys was Teddy. Tuesday night, God finally spared us of that one. Can I hear an “Amen!”

Before the Kennedys, this nation was a great capitalistic oasis for those raised in good, well-heeled homes who attended Ivy league schools and were motivated to work hard to get rich. These high-quality people, of course, helped the less fortunate (who were deservedly so) through “trickle on” economics. Granted, there were some minor economic downturns along the way, like the so-called Great Depression that lasted just a decade or so. These events tended to scare both the knowing rich and ignorant, starving poor alike. Ted Kennedy exploited this fear and started this nation on the road to acceptance of the poor, minority rights, promotion of the disenfranchised, government paid-for health care for poor children and senior citizens, stronger public education (i.e., education for the delinquents whose worthless parents couldn’t get them into private religious schools), greater civil rights for blacks, Hispanics, women, the elderly, the disabled, homos and every other depraved group you can imagine. Teddy repeatedly raised the minimum wage so that losers would have more money for crack while the companies they worked for went bankrupt. He was the champion of blue collar laborers, like construction and auto workers. He secured greater wages and benefits for them. And, of course, in the process, he supported unions, the death knell of business. He passed legislation protecting those with so-called disabilities (i.e. demons), he strengthened environmental regulations (possibly delaying the End Times, yet again), he was instrumental in ending apartheid in South Africa (so those uppity coloreds could steal land from the very employers who had treated them well for so long) and he changed American immigration policy so that those who are oppressed could emigrate here, rather than just those with the greatest work skills.

In short, Ted Kennedy and his ilk turned this country into this pluralistic and egalitarian nightmare we now face. No longer are there any class distinctions. An uppity Negro can stand in front of the line at the local water fountain. He can sit next to us in gourmet restaurants where they serve calf pancreas, not pig intestines. He can move into our neighborhoods, right next door. For goodness’ sake, he can even be President of the United States, thanks to Ted Kennedy and the rest of his evil family members.

Why the Lord waited so long to kill this one is beyond me. He certainly had good cause beyond the socialist works. During one drunken episode, Kennedy ran off a bridge and caused his girl friend to drown. Now, I know what you’re saying. Some of our favorites have done essentially the same thing. Years ago, Laura Bush, now wife of George W. Bush, undoubtedly stinking drunk, as she was wont to get, ran a stop sign and killed her ex-boyfriend. But she actually had an ax to grind with him. They were estranged. Teddy’s companion had done nothing wrong.

Why God let him live longer than the other demons, we will never know. Perhaps God planned for the End Times to be right about now. He let Ted Kennedy and others keep the poor and downtrodden sated so they wouldn’t revolt. He let Teddy promote peace in the world. Perhaps he killed him now because it’s finally time for Armaggedon. We can dream, can’t we?