HELL'S OPEN-ENDED PRODUCTION OF CAMELOT
COMPLETES ITS CASTING!
THE DEATH AND ETERNAL FATE OF MARY
WORSHIPPER, TED KENNEDY
evening, Brothers and Sisters in the Lord’s righteous wrath and
vengeance. Let us bow and our heads and thank our Savior that the dark
days of the Catholic Cosa Nostra are over. The last of the Keynesian
Kennedy clan is gone. (Now, folks in the balcony, don’t fret. That’s
“clan” with a “c”.) I want to thank the Lord for picking off the latest
lib, Teddy, the day before my weekly Wednesday sermon. And thank you
Lord for taking him late at night, so I didn’t have to Tivo Fox News
primetime. While I admire Bill and Sean greatly, my sense of
righteousness and ear drums can’t take them twice in one day.
The despicable Kennedy legacy began with John F.
Kennedy, the man who later beat Richard Nixon for the presidency, simply
because Kennedy was youthful and credible during the presidential
debates while Nixon, undoubtedly filled with the Holy Spirit, tended to
sweat through his jacket. Earlier, during World War II, JFK commanded a
motor torpedo boat that was rammed by a Japanese destroyer. Kennedy,
later whining that his already-injured back was severely damaged by the
collision (waa, waa!), swam to two different islands, towing an injured
crew mate with a single lifejacket strap Kennedy held between his teeth.
He ultimately ensured his crew was rescued by those on the second
island. This single act of bravery earned Kennedy awards like the Purple
Heart, blah, blah. And the incident was referred to several times during
the 1960 presidential election. Frankly, as a conservative Christian, I
am appalled that a candidate for the United States presidency would
shamelessly resort to, or allow to be used by others, his war record to
garner support for him. I can’t imagine a Republican doing that.
Certainly, Godly George W. Bush never engaged in such a practice.
Fortunately, God had that Kennedy shot dead in
Dallas, Texas, the city where they worship their guns almost as much as
their Savior. (Never say irony is lost on the Lord.) The next do-gooder
the Lord had fun with was Robert F. Kennedy. (Anyone who has read about
the Kennedy boys’ personal exploits may know why they all have middle
names beginning with “F.”) Robert sought to shut down the Mafia
nationwide (i.e., eliminate the competition) and restore labor union
credibility. But principally, he wanted to stop the war in Vietnam. God,
who has no aversion to war, having ordered his chosen Israelites to
invade and pillage all the towns they encountered, would have none of
this and had this Kennedy shot as well. That was rather repetitive, but
hey, plagues and locusts are bit more difficult to carry out in this age
of advanced medical care and Chinese chefs.
Many years later, God rid us of JFK’s charismatic
son who threatened to dazzle voters with his charm. God used one of his
more common recent methods of destruction –an airplane crash – to rid us
of this socialist. So, all that was really left in the way of
significant Kennedys was Teddy. Tuesday night, God finally spared us of
that one. Can I hear an “Amen!”
Before the Kennedys, this nation was a great
capitalistic oasis for those raised in good, well-heeled homes who
attended Ivy league schools and were motivated to work hard to get rich.
These high-quality people, of course, helped the less fortunate (who
were deservedly so) through “trickle on” economics. Granted, there were
some minor economic downturns along the way, like the so-called Great
Depression that lasted just a decade or so. These events tended to scare
both the knowing rich and ignorant, starving poor alike. Ted Kennedy
exploited this fear and started this nation on the road to acceptance of
the poor, minority rights, promotion of the disenfranchised, government
paid-for health care for poor children and senior citizens, stronger
public education (i.e., education for the delinquents whose worthless
parents couldn’t get them into private religious schools), greater civil
rights for blacks, Hispanics, women, the elderly, the disabled, homos
and every other depraved group you can imagine. Teddy repeatedly raised
the minimum wage so that losers would have more money for crack while
the companies they worked for went bankrupt. He was the champion of blue
collar laborers, like construction and auto workers. He secured greater
wages and benefits for them. And, of course, in the process, he
supported unions, the death knell of business. He passed legislation
protecting those with so-called disabilities (i.e. demons), he
strengthened environmental regulations (possibly delaying the End Times,
yet again), he was instrumental in ending apartheid in South Africa (so
those uppity coloreds could steal land from the very employers who had
treated them well for so long) and he changed American immigration
policy so that those who are oppressed could emigrate here, rather than
just those with the greatest work skills.
In short, Ted Kennedy and his ilk turned this
country into this pluralistic and egalitarian nightmare we now face. No
longer are there any class distinctions. An uppity Negro can stand in
front of the line at the local water fountain. He can sit next to us in
gourmet restaurants where they serve calf pancreas, not pig intestines.
He can move into our neighborhoods, right next door. For goodness’ sake,
he can even be President of the United States, thanks to Ted Kennedy and
the rest of his evil family members.
Why the Lord waited so long to kill this one is
beyond me. He certainly had good cause beyond the socialist works.
During one drunken episode, Kennedy ran off a bridge and caused his girl
friend to drown. Now, I know what you’re saying. Some of our favorites
have done essentially the same thing. Years ago, Laura Bush, now wife of
George W. Bush, undoubtedly stinking drunk, as she was wont to get, ran
a stop sign and killed her ex-boyfriend. But she actually had an ax to
grind with him. They were estranged. Teddy’s companion had done nothing
Why God let him live longer
than the other demons, we will never know. Perhaps God planned for the
End Times to be right about now. He let Ted Kennedy and others keep the
poor and downtrodden sated so they wouldn’t revolt. He let Teddy promote
peace in the world. Perhaps he killed him now because it’s finally time
for Armaggedon. We can dream, can’t we?