Iowa - Dr. Jonathan Edwards, Chief
Intelligent Design Specialist at Landover Baptist
University's Department of Creation Science, alerted church members
and students earlier this month that the Lord Jesus Christ was calling
him to conduct controversial research into the source of a rise in
masturbation among unsaved males. "We should all be concerned if the
cause of this rise could in some way affect Baptist men downstream," he
Dr. Edwards then went before the Board of Deacons to plead his case
for immediate assistance in securing a
"Flesh Light™" which he claimed
was needed "of the utmost necessity" to properly conduct his research.
Pastor Deacon Fred immediately accepted the task, based on Dr. Edwards'
world renowned reputation as a respected Creation Scientist and
Christian Family Doctor.
Several meetings were held, and sometime in the middle of April,
the Board of Deacons unanimously agreed that Pastor Deacon Fred would be
sent on a mission to secure the device for Dr.
Pastor took up the cross of Christ after dropping his granddaughter off at
her unsaved mother's house in downtown Des Moines and made his way toward an Adult Gift Shop.
Before going inside, he entered a
dark alley where he could safely put on the hippy disguise he had hidden
in his granddaughter's "Hello Jesus™" tote bag.
Pastor then knelt down to pray in front of a
homeless man for 10-minutes. The footage hasn't been leaked
to the media, but its only a matter of time. We note it here so
our tithing church members, and True Christians™ reading this article
will have a better understanding of how liberals twist so-called,
"reality" into so-called, "facts," and feel it is their obligation to
report this sort of nonsense to the public.
In addition, church members should cast their worries aside if they
stumble upon a lengthy video of Pastor Deacon Fred browsing through an Adult Gift Shop,
exchanging bromides with a scantily clad colored woman and disappearing
behind a counter. Pastor Deacon Fred was simply there to secure a device
for Landover Baptist University's Department of Creation Science. The
tribulations and trials he suffered along the way, are simply The Lord's Business™
and no concern of yours.
Dr. Edwards was given the
"Flesh Light™" that self-same evening,
along with a roll of paper towels, a box of corn starch and a large
bottle of Astro-Glide lubrication lotion he asked Pastor to pick up on
his way home. Dr. Edwards was
able to begin conducting his research immediately.
The device will
be placed into the hands of gentlemen Creation Scientists at Landover
Baptist University's Department of Creation Science after Dr. Edwards'
initial 3-week study is complete.
It is estimated Dr. Edwards' staff will justify a full report to
church members sometime in the next 48-months.
Edwards reported to the Board of Deacons in late April that he will need
an additional 2-months to conduct his initial research and has requested
a leave of absence in order to do so. Church members who are under
his medical care are instructed to contact Dr. Sullivan to schedule an
appointment. Dr. Edwards asks that he not be bothered until