Iowa - These are glorious times, indeed! Turmoil in the Middle East
is reaching wonderful, epidemic proportions. The towel-heads are killing
other – instead of us. The pretend governments of dune dwelling
dictators are toppling. Instability is increasing. It's only a
matter of time before the gefilte fish-eating Christ-killers, who panic
if someone drops a nickel down the drain, get involved in the act and
start one of their indiscriminate bombing runs. The whole place will
soon go up in smoke! God willing!
The Landover Baptist Church Ladies Club has
already called two reputable caterers, "because we should be celebrating
24/7!" exclaims Sister Macel Smith.
"We can't understand why the media is lamenting these
fabulous events in the Middle East," says Brother Harry Hardwick. "Our
government acts as though there is some kind of unwanted crisis going
on. Most Americans have said they're concerned, whatever that
"I thought this country is Christian!" Brother
Hardwick's wife, Heather told a reporter from The Daily who
interviewed her over the phone yesterday. "Don't people understand that
this is beginning of the End Times? The Rapture won't occur until the
happy, longed-for time when Israel is finally facing a war that will
finally wipe that smug look off of those hook-nosed faces!
Read your Bible! The Middle East will soon have a new tourist
attraction: A valley filled with the warm, sparkling blood of the
unsaved! And I can’t
wait to call Delta Air Lines!"
"And when ye shall see
Jerusalem compassed with armies, then know that the desolation thereof
is nigh. Then let them which are in Judea flee to the mountains; and let
them which are in the midst of it depart out; and let not them that are
in the countries enter thereinto. For these be the days of vengeance,
that all things which are written may be fulfilled. But woe unto them
that are with child, and to them that give suck, in those days! for
there shall be great distress in the land, and wrath upon this people.
And they shall fall by the edge of the sword, and shall be led away
captive into all nations: and Jerusalem shall be trodden down of the
Gentiles, until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled" (Luke
"Haven't you ever wondered why evangelical Christian
leaders support the hebes over the camel jockeys?," continued Mrs.
Hardwick. "Haven't you wondered why the GOP (God's Own Party) supports
aid to Israel, when Jews vote overwhelmingly Democrat - or as we
Christians call it, Demoncrap? Haven't you thought about
why we support those who murdered the Lord and continue to reject Him to
this day? (Yes, if the so-called “Holocaust” actually happened, it
sounds dreadful, but nothing that may or may not have happened in
Germany could ever justify spending American dollars on anything other
than the American military.) As True Christians, we believe that
everyone who refuses to accept Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and
Savior is going to be flayed like a hog on a spit
in hell for
eternity, meaning all the dreidel-spinning penny-pinchers (who
don't convert and really mean it) will be with the real King of the
Jews, Satan, forever. So, why do we support these unattractive, pushy
Brother Harry Hardwick explains, "Granted, part of
the reason is that Jews control the money and animated feature films in
this country and the last thing any politician needs is AIPAC on his
back. But the main reason Christian leaders support Israel is that we
need that despicable nation to remain in existence just long enough to
be destroyed in a prophesied bloody war. Only then will Jesus
return, rapture Christians to heaven, then slaughter both the bagel and
curry eaters simultaneously, while we watch the glorious carnage from
our luxury clouds in heaven. (And the wonderful thing about Heaven is
that you can finally add that butter-like oil to your popcorn without
gaining any weight!)"
Landover Baptist Church members agree, the
End Times have finally started. Chaos has begun in the Middle East.
Things are going to get so crazy in Israel, it will make Charlie Sheen’s
place look like a rest home. "Celebrate it. Revel in it," says
Pastor Deacon Fred, "The Middle East is about to break out into huge
warfare that will take countless lives. Then, Jesus will return and kill
the remaining inhabitants, after whisking the world's born-again, full
immersion-baptized Christians to heaven.