“I want every young lady sitting before me today to raise your pinky
if you’ve ever masturbated!”
That’s how I intend to start my 'Marriage and Family Class for
Women' this Fall semester at Landover Baptist University.
I’ll tell my female students it doesn’t matter which pinky you
raise up for me and Jesus. It don't
matter to the Lord if it is your Godly right pinky or even your
left pinky. Two pinkies are even
I’ve been preserving the cutting edge of Christian
Education for 68-years. I’m
going to approach my fellowship at L.B.U. this Fall semester with Bible
based methods that get results!
I’ve taught all over the world, and by the Grace of God, my
reputation precedes me.
After a few of the girls in class raise their
pinkies, I’ll say, “Now wiggle them pinkies for Jesus, Girls!
When I see a few of them start wiggling their
pinkies, I’ll ask them all to stand up.
I’ll say, “I want every single one of you sinful young ladies in
this lecture hall to stand up or I’ll march you right down to the Dean’s
Office for lying!”
If any of the girls refuse to stand up, I’ll say,
“GET UP OFF YOUR SEATS YOU LIARS! If you ain’t standing up, you are in
danger of Hell Fire! If you don’t stand up, I’ll come make you stand up!
I don’t want to see any of you go to HELL!”
When I have them all standing up, I’ll ask them to
wiggle their pinkies as fast as they can and look me right in the eyes.
I’ll say, “All my little girls shout:
Pastor Whipple, IT FEELS SO GOOD!”
“It feels good, does it? Ya’ll are just plain sick!
You ladies are a poor excuse for Christians! You give Jesus a bad
name and you make me wanna throw up!”
When the girls are still standing up, I’m going ask
them to think about what they're doing.
I’m going to give them about a minute to think about it
and then say, “If any of you girls are suffering, I want you to know I’m
going to do my best to help you, even though you make me and Jesus sick
to our stomachs.”
them to keep standing, look at me directly in my one good eye and
shout: “Help me Pastor
want to masturbate!”
I’ll be silent for a minute, and make them think
I’m contemplating the matter before I say “The only way I can help any
of you directly is if you schedule a private appointment with me in my
office.” Then I’ll shush
them and tell them all to look up in the sky. “Look up!” I’ll say.
“LOOK UP and see if you can see Jesus!”
I’ll ask them to shout: “I CAN SEE JESUS!” as an
affirmation of their fragile womanly faith.
“He can see you TOO!,” I’ll tell them.
“And He just told me ya’ll are a bunch of filthy whores!
I swear on the heat
of Hell, you batch of harlots this Fall semester are even dirtier
‘n that old slut, Mary Magdeline!”
I’ll ask my girls to shut their ignorant female
pie-holes and show a man of God
a little respect before asking them what they’re all doing still
standing up! “SIT YOUR
SIMPLE MINDED SELFISH SINNER'S SOULS DOWN!” I’ll yell at the top of
my lungs! “Ya’ll are
disobedient, rebellious woman! Every
one of you deserves to be raped by the horny red razor-spiked tail
of Lucifer himself! If
only for the vile filth that spews forth from your adulterous little
pouting lips! By God’s
Authority I command each one of you tempestuous little school girl
hussies to SHUT YOUR IGNORANT MOUTHS!”
When I have them all seated I’ll say, “If any of
you stupid Baptist sluts still think you’re smarty pants enough to learn
something today, say ‘A-men!’” If
anyone doesn’t say ‘A-men,’ I will march right up to their chair, bend
them over my lap, pull down their skirts and panties and spank their
naked tender hind sides until they turn a flushed red!
And I won’t bat my one good eye
if I hear a whimper come from any of them!
When I’m finished disciplining each rebellious
female student, I will return to my podium, wipe the sweat from my
long-suffering brow and let my students know that their Godly
parents have signed them up for a class they will not soon forget!
“The things you will learn in my class, will stay with you for
the rest of your pathetic lives!” I’ll tell them.
“You ain’t gonna find a husband if you can’t
keep your fingers out of your dirty little hair holes!” I’ll remind
them. “I haven’t even started this class yet and all you ugly little
Baptist whores can’t wait to run back to your dorm rooms and
masturbate to me! I'm gonna make funny face to ya'll - so
look at me now! That's me lookin' crazy! NOW STOP LUSTIN'!”
I’ll be silent for a bit, then I’ll ask them all to
bow their worthless heads. “I’m going to pray for ya’ll,” is what I’ll
tell them. “I’m going to
pray that Jesus guides my anointed tongue to clean out your dirty parts
and enrich your sinful hearts this semester!”
I’ll do a preliminary lecture like this before each
Marriage and Family Class.
And I’m thinking about doing one before each class I teach at Landover
Baptist University this Fall, including Refutation of Secular
Mathematics, Advanced Creation Science/Biology and Baptist American
English Literary Theory™.
I’m already thinking about my second preliminary
lecture where I’ll begin by asking the ladies what they’re all doing
with those curling irons of theirs, because as sure as the Lord is my
Savior - I know they ain’t just using them to curl their hair with!
- Rev. Professor, Sherman Whipple