"Pillow Pets" are sexually suggestive, soft, and enticingly tender creatures. They are purposefully marketed to rural conservative families - mostly to our farming communities, many of whom will drive 100-miles to a Wal-Mart just to run their fingers through silky hair of one of these seductive beasts! "Pillow Pets" are strategically displayed with their inviting hind sides open wide and their alluring snouts smiling like the innocent goats and sheep you and your children tend to each day on the farm. Toymakers must know that Christian boys and girls always use pillows to commit the sin of self-abuse (masturbation), as they are forbidden to touch themselves. And, as any Baptist farmer will tell you, masturbation leads to bestiality! Especially if you are masturbating with a pillow that looks like an animal! If you want your child to have a normal sex life on the farm, it would behoove you to keep them away from "Pillow Pets," or they'll be raping your chickens and goats before you can show them how, maybe even before they learn to milk a cow.

BANNED: BRATZ SLUTZ DOLLS

Do you want to purchase a doll that teaches your daughter how to dress like a slut? Do you want your daughter to take off a little boy's clothes and see what he looks like naked? Do you want your children to talk like a Negro while they are playing with their dolls? How about a doll that teaches your daughter how to get a tattoo and trade panties with her friends? Maybe you think it's "a-OK" with Jesus for your daughter to be playing with a naked black boy! Next thing you know, your Christian daughter will turn 21, go off to college and bring home her own black boy! She might even ask if it is okay for her to be "unequally yoked," with a colored fellow! While you are sitting there scratching your head, wondering why your daughter is bringing shame upon your family, you'll think back... You'll think back and realize it was the Bratz Dolls you bought her for Christmas! And you'll realize the tragedy in your life was all explained to you right here, and all you did was laugh out loud! Shame on you! Shame on Bratz Dolls for the lives and families they will destroy as they are placed under Christmas trees for innocent little girls across America!

BANNED: ANTI-CREATIONIST TALKING BIGFOOT BEAST

A talking monkey? What will the Atheist Toy Makers at Fisher Price think of next? Bigfoot is a deceptive ploy by Fisher-Price to make the Theory of Evolution appealing to little children. Christian Pastors believe the release of this toy will coincide with an anthropological find and press release regarding the so-called, "Missing Link," sometime next year. Don't be deceived by what seems like an innocent toy. Every single hair on this monkey's head, every movement, every accessory and every lewd noise coming out of its demonic mouth were designed with a Satanic precision we haven't seen the likes of since the Cabbage Patch Kids! Lucifer's Toy Chest test specialists note that the Bigfoot toy speaks over 30 phrases designed to indoctrinate your child with the liberal agenda. Plush monkey toys have been extremely popular for the last couple of years since Obama has taken control of America. Bigfoot is the latest example of how far liberals will go to desensitize conservative children to their twisted ideology of "tolerance," and to indoctrinate them with their anti-Creationist, pro-Evolution education agenda.

BANNED: THE LOOPZ FISTING TRAINER

This year, the sex perverts at Mattel have teamed with the Adult Film Industry to design a new game to strengthen your child's arm and wrist muscles so that he or she can grow up and become what the Adult film industry calls, "a Fister." Christian family Psychologists warn us that unless America's Pastors get behind their pulpits and start to talk openly about "Fisting," with their congregations, the practice will ultimately replace the innocent and normal missionary position enjoyed by Christian married couples for the last 10,011 years. Parents should keep the "Loopz Game" out of their Christian homes and take steps to pray for a bold spirit to allow them to talk frankly and openly about the dangers of "Fisting" as it relates to the "Loopz Game," with family members, friends and co-workers.

BANNED: LEAP FROG'S "JUNIOR ATHEIST" BOOK PAL 

Since its inception, Leap Frog Inc. has been an enemy of Christ, destroying families and leaving piles of children burning in Hell in the wake of its sinister agenda. Most parents who purchase Leap Frog Junior Book Pals have no idea that they are bringing home a remote controlled plastic device designed to control the minds of innocent children by indoctrinating them with scientific facts under the guise of "education." True Christian™ parents have been aware of this for some time, and are prepared to slap this little robot in the mouth, if it so much as utters a word! This year, the Leap Frog Company goes as far as to paint the Junior Book Pal green, to appeal to liberal parents who believe the lie of Global Warming and want to put Christians who don't recycle for Biblical and faith-based reasons, in jail. Well, no matter what color they decide to paint their demonic little Junior Book Pal, it's original color is red, red like Satan's rump! And what's more, the stupid thing doesn't read the Bible! It just reads secular filth! For that reason alone, it should have no place in a Christian home!