Dear Pasture,

Momma and me was waching Opra while she was showin' me her bioligy in homeskool class yestreday and she says them coloreds like Opra and the Obama will be serving us at a tea party in Heaven.

I ask'd pa about this at dinner and he says NO WAY! No coloreds in Heaven! No how, not ever!  Him and momma got into it real bad and I got slap and send to bed.  Pa belted me an teld me he gonna teach bioligy class for me hencefort.

So how bout it? Is they blacks in Heaven?

P.S.   Pleaze no tellin ma or pa I sent you a qwestin!  Pleaze no puttin me on the chuch kidz questins page on the internets.   I already a burden 2 my folks. Pa'd be more happy i never be born to come tween they love and fine ancil cit'ation.

Tween us, 

Dear Billy-Lee,

Questions like yours renew my faith in the American Christian Home School System and the American family. I've called your mother and father and I'm going to personally come by to sign her Bible next week and shake your poppa's hand.

I'm sorry you got slapped and belted, but you got a lesson out of it - and it got you to thinking about important issues like this.

The truth is, Billy-Lee -- there are two schools of Baptist Theology - and they are both divided when it comes to the issue of "Negroes in Heaven."

One school teaches us that Negroes will have a role to play in Heaven. As the true descendents of the Biblical figure, Ham, the Lord will in fact bring all people of color in Heaven together into a glorified and pre-ordained eternity of servitude. Whether Jesus holds an auction and lets all the normal people in Heaven pick their own, or we simply have a few of them waiting for us when we get to our mansions in Glory, remains to be seen. 

Don't let anyone ever tell you the curse of Ham (Genesis 9:21-27) has been lifted, Billy-Lee (Joshua 9:23).  And curses based on disobedience - like that of Ham, are only lifted by God when the cursed folks become obedient (Exodus 20:5-6).  And as you and I well know, all you have to do is turn on your TV to Fox News and see that's a long time a'comin'!  A-men?

The other school of Theology teaches us that in order to be in the presence of God, we must be created in his image. God has colored folks call tree-swinging apes "Poppa" just to trick the evolutionists into thinking real humans didn't come from Adam and Eve.  God loves to see scientists make fools of themselves!  If it turns out that colored people evolved from primates that means they won't quite fit in Heaven now, will they? If God doesn't let puppy dogs into Heaven, True Christian Logic™ follows... why would He allow colored folks in?  You understand?

I hope I've answered your question. When you grow up - you'll have to decide which position to hold. I lean toward the first one, since I'm still a leery of accepting ANY theory of evolution. They have lots of facts and data to support the theory, but there is still not enough faith based evidence in my opinion.

Your Baptist Friend and Anointed Pastor,