ago, a father entered his son's room to find him sitting in
bed wearing a bunny outfit. The boy was naked below the
waist, his back supported by several pillows.
daddy came closer, he could see his son had a copy of the
book, Where the Wild Things Are, cinched between
his naked knees. As daddy reached for the nearest
Bible to fling at his son, the boy shifted his blanket
frantically, trying desperately to cover his shame!
"That little boy was me." Pastor Deacon Fred shared
with a shocked congregation this week. "And the Lord's hands guided mine own to
painfully slam that animalistic book shut upon my shame that day!
Friends, If it hadn't been for my daddy
beating my naked hiney with a Bible till it bled I'm certain I'd
be as gay as hay today! Most certainly, I wouldn't be standing before
now as your anointed leader, sharing my embarrassing personal
testimony! As God is my witness, it is the last time I ever touched
myself except to go to the bathroom! Glory!" Pastor
"I decided to share this sinful part of my life with you
after learning that Hollywood was making a film out of the pornographic
children's book that tore my family apart." Pastor and his father never
reconciled. "My daddy burned my little bunny costume and never spoke to
me again," he shared with churchgoers. "I won't tell you where I got hold of this
book as a child, But since then, I've burned every copy I've ever found
after using it for a few minutes."
"It wasn't until I was much older and properly
educated by attending several Baptist Bible Colleges, that I learned the book,
Where the Wild Things Are,
was written by a crazy homosexual!" Pastor continued. "And the only reason a
homosexual has for writing any sort of a book, is to turn his readers into
sodomites! A-men? My daddy might have had the gift of prophecy because he
sure knew there was something sketchy about Where the Wild Things
Pastor continued to share with church members, a
dark and backslidden time in his Christian life where his own father was
so ashamed of him that he shipped him off to military school and several
private Baptist Academies. "My daddy was no fool," Pastor said. "He knew
that the sneaky, hairy creatures in that evil book, Where the Wild
Things Are, were trying to teach his little boy how to
masturbate! And by
golly, anyone with a lick of sense today knows that self-abuse -
masturbation - only leads to homosexuality!" Pastor was not invited back
into his own home until he was 24-years-old and his father had passed
"I had some research done about this book
after I heard there was a movie being made," Pastor continued. "And
after sharing my testimony with some Baptist Child Psychologists, they
tell me that the sole purpose of Where the Wild Things Are is
to use the enticing qualities inherent in large, seemingly kind and soft
furry creatures to lure little boys behind trees and masturbate themselves into a
demonic frenzy which eventually leads to them to selecting homosexuality
as a hobby! What's even more disgusting about the film
version of Where the Wild Things Are is that viewers will
actually see a little boy beckoned behind a tree by the soothing voice
of actor, James Gandolfini! A voice I could only imagine
as a child! What happens behind the tree, is thankfully kept off camera
– but the explicit images it calls up in one’s mind are enough to shock
even the most deviant predatory Catholic Priest!
Friends, it doesn't matter if this story is
told in a book, or in a movie! The result is still a shame!
Pastor issued an order by authority of the Board of
Deacons that the movie, Where the Wild Things Are, is to be
off-limits for all church members and their immediate saved families.
"This book robbed 12-years of my life! And we're not bowing down to Satan
nor any beast - no matter how large, furry, or delightfully
might look or sound on digital film! Our Christian children will not be called
upon to sin with you in bed nor wood, my hairy creatures! Nor any other place for that
matter, on God's Holy Earth!" Pastor exclaimed.
A tithe was taken up after Pastor's personal testimony.
The money will be deposited into the existing funds allocated for the Study
For the Prevention of Homosexual Lifestyle Choices in Conservative
Christian Children at Landover Baptist's
Creation Science Research