CHRISTIAN GALA HELD TO CELEBRATE LANDOVER BAPTIST'S
NEW PASTOR AND CEO, REV. PASTOR HARRY HARDWICK
Iowa (Landover Baptist Towers Hotel & Resort) -
Rev. Pastor Harry
Hardwick, his lovely wife, Heather, Mrs.
Betty Bowers (America’s Best Christian™), and a newly adopted South
African child, were the guests of honor this Friday evening at a
$4,500/table Gala held in the Grand Goshen Ballroom at Landover Baptist
Towers Hotel and Resort. “His
Highness, Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick, the Lord’s Official Posthumous
Spokesman” (formerly known as “Brother Harry” and to the world as,
“The Bible Answer
Man.”), delivered a rousing sermon the previous Sunday entitled,
“The Church Is Bigger than Any One Man, Except Perhaps Jesus.”
After Rev. Pastor Hardwick’s Sermon, church members gathered in
The Great Fellowship Ball Room to view “a spectacle unto the Lord’s
20 deacons, in perfect unison, undraped enormous murals of Pastor
Hardwick and his lovely wife Heather.
As the giant imported Italian purple silk cloths concealing the
incredible paintings were dropped, thousands of pieces of 18-karat gold
leaf concealed in the ceiling by burlap sacks rained down on the room to
thunderous applause, as invited journalists from Fox News Inc., stuffed
After the cloths were dropped, frenzied Church
members demanded a continuation of Christian celebration!
Spontaneous mandatory praise
parties erupted across the Landover Baptist Church campus and the Board
of Deacons announced a “Grand Gala” to honor Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick
with an unparalleled spectacle of lavish Christian Fellowship.
The Grand Gala honoring Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick
as the new Chief Pastor and CEO of the Landover Baptist Church was an
absolute delight to all who attended.
There are over 5,287
photos of the event available online through the Christian photo sharing
During Grand Gala, Pastor Hardwick made a speech
under the manse formerly housing Deacon Fred and his confused wife,
Macel (confined to
Facility in North Dakota for the last two months). “As Creation
Scientists attempt to remove the demons that have sabotaged
the sanity of Pastor Deacon
Fred’s precious wife, Macel, we must keep her in our prayers! The demons
of despair will soon will soon be lifted from her fragile womanly mind,
and when they are, we expect that she will have some answers for us,” he
related. “The answers we are
looking for – as most of you all are aware, are regarding Pastor Deacon
Fred’s relationship with his
personal secretary, Edna Denkins. Any Denkins family out here
I didn’t think so! In case you haven’t been reading
Pastor Deacon Fred’s
Facebook account, as I do on a daily basis to keep up with church
security matters, Miss Edna Denkins has disappeared! A routine criminal
background check on Miss Denkins took down the church’s computer network
for 30 minutes! Edna!
If you are reading this
now, as are hundreds of thousands of people across this great Nation of
ours, I want you to know
that I promise you a safe return to Freehold, Iowa. You can have your
old job as busgirl at the Hooters on Highway 370 outside of Des
Moines, but you MUST return Deacon Fred’s internet passwords to my
personal assistant and secretary, Lucy Gagglesworth!”
After a toast with Cristal (that Pastor Hardwick
explained was the non-alcoholic version of the company’s product),
Pastor passed out the first new Landover Baptist organizational chart
involving the replacement of key officials that raised a few eyebrows.
The most noteworthy change involved Mrs. Bowers as the new chief
financial officer for Landover Baptist and all of its holdings,
including offshore accounts.
Mrs. Bowers was mum on the announcement at the party, but had apparently
discussed the matter earlier in the week with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who
has taken to stalking the celebrity for months.
After rebuking the TV hostess for a wardrobe that looks like the
Blue Light line that pushed K-Mart into Chapter 11, Mrs. Bowers
explained that church members needn’t worry about Mrs. Bowers holding
any position of authority over men, in violation of Paul’s pesky letter
to Timothy. “Rest assured, I
have fired all those men beneath me and replaced them with members of my
ministry, Bringing Integrity to Christian Homemakers.
Those gals can squeeze a $100 grocery list into $60 while
simultaneously improving the dinner menu.
We’re going to make the church budget something
can only marvel at.”
Mrs. Bowers refused to comment on former
Fred’s demise. “I won’t
say an unkind word about my brother-in-Christ until all appeals have
been exhausted.” A
teary-eyed Pastor Hardwick defended his longtime colleague and best
friend. “Deacon Fred has
pushed the envelope for decades.
God has always been there to pick him up.
Well, the Lord was absent this time, and we must assume there
is a reason for that! A-men?
All I know is that
the boy who started all of this has left the country and will return
for trial only if Fred foolishly fails to plea bargain.
Mrs. Bowers and I have cooperated with local, state and federal
authorities and turned over quite a bit of financial information which
we hope will assist Pastor, though we’ve been told multiple additional
charges are still forthcoming.
I wish my good friend the best and assure him that Betty and I
have left one of his many retirement accounts intact.
If and when he is finally released, he will be able to spend his
remaining years living out the same humble, Christ-centered lifestyle to
which tin level-tithers have become accustomed.”