Ms. Edna Denkins, 27 was found wearing only her
Jesus Do" thong, malnourished and chained to a post
in the basement of a condemned rural farm home in the remote mountains
of North Western Iowa.
Ms. Denkins, was lifted by MedEvac chopper to the Landover Baptist
Memorial Hospital after authorities were alerted to her position through
a Facebook posting she managed to type using only her tongue on a GPS
enabled phone. The phone was possibly left behind by her captors and found at the scene.
Ms. Denkins, who was last seen in mid-May at an Iowa truck stop before
her abduction by what was thought to be a Born
Again Christian Long-Hauler who turned out to be a
Wiccan High Priest disguised as a member of the Landover Baptist
Board of Deacons, is embroiled in a
much larger dispute over the
and administrative leadership of the largest and most influential church in America, the
Landover Baptist Church™.
members who traveled hundreds of miles to the scene say they were
misled by a chain mail from the Landover Baptist Church™ about a bunch
of Negroes forcing a white woman to cook in her underwear. After a
few sips of whiskey and rifle shot, it became clear to them that there
were Wiccans afoot. Tea Party members erected a wooden cross in a
nearby field and lit it on fire to provide them light for what one
official called, "The Great Hunt to Restore America From Evil."
Ms. Denkins was barely recognizable to her beloved friend and spiritual
advisor, Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick who was
already standing outside the farmhouse when the Freehold Iowa 7th Regional Battalion of Baptist Police
Officers arrived early Saturday morning.
"I went downstairs before anyone arrived, so excuse the
fingerprints all over everything," Hardwick said. "Ms. Denkins looks like a skeleton of her former self.
She was restrained to a post in the
basement, her nakedness covered in grime and filth," he continued. "She
was barely breathing, and evidence from the bruises on her frail body
suggest she was repeatedly dragged up the cellar stairs by her hair and forced to cook for her captors in a rat infested kitchen.
"THIS CRIME SCENE STINKS AS BAD AS A
WICCAN'S HINEY ON
Hardwick shouted to members of the press who had gathered outside the
farmhouse by late Saturday afternoon. "We found what looks like the
remains of cooked squirrel and rat legs scattered about the kitchen," he
continued. "As soon as we get the evidence to my personal team of Christian Hate Crime Investigators, you WILL BE SHOCKED TO
LEARN THEY ARE NOT REALLY RODENT LEGS AT ALL! I believe they
innocent fingers of lily-white little Christian children!"
Hardwick choked through sobs to press members, before breaking down in
After Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick regained his composure, he opened
his Bible and read scripture verses from the Old and New Testaments to
explain to members of the liberal media how
mock the holy sacrament of communion by chewing upon
the boiled fingers of little Christian children in hopes that their
master, Satan will fill them with evil spirits.
"Based on expertly planted evidence, and extremely reliable Christian
hearsay, there is no doubt in my Godly mind that a Wiccan coven
kidnapped and tortured poor Edna Denkins," he said. "If True
Christians like us hadn't arrived when we did, the ghoulish fiends would
have come back to finish her off, possibly via human sacrifice or by
simply eating her alive!"
Concerned conservative citizens continue to pray and exchange
business cards as they scour the area surrounding the remote farmhouse,
capturing and detaining any
Wiccan who peeks their head out of a hole or
rotten tree stump. Landover Baptist Police Sergeant, Thomas Calloway
vows, "We will capture and detain every Wiccan within a 300 mile radius
of Freehold, Iowa and hold them in our Kennels indefinitely! And
find any Negroes out here where they don't belong, we'll hand them
over to the Tea Party, and that will be the end of that!
Ms. Edna Denkins remains under close watch in the Landover Baptist
Memorial Hospital under the care of Chief Creation Scientist,
Jonathan Edwards. Landover Baptist officials will continue to helm
the investigation which at this time - with Tea Party members on the
scene, requires no need of additional
assistance from Federal or State authorities.