PRESS RELEASE - September 5, 2010
Iowa & Paradise Island, Bahamas - Yet another mystery has
descended upon the controversial change, then re-change, of leadership
at the United States’ most populous and powerful church,
Landover Baptist of Freehold,
Iowa. Just hours ago,
FBI officials reported that Elijah Gonzalez, the young boy who allegedly
lit his penis on fire after one of lead
Pastor Deacon Fred’s fiery sermons – the child who signed a criminal
affidavit, then disappeared -- had been located.
The boy was found by his mother’s side at a blackjack table at
The Atlantis, a popular resort and casino in Paradise Island,
According to officials, Ms. Ezra Rodriguez,
Elijah’s mother, had been deep into play at the $5,000 minimum bet
tables for some time before the FBI moved in and arrested her.
At the behest of Federal authorities, Ms. Rodriguez reluctantly
her child’s penis to be examined.
But given the proclivity of
Mexican males to possess small organs, seemingly at all ages,
officials had difficulty determining whether earlier claims were true.
Consequently, island medical examiner, Dr. Mario Prinze (whom
officials gratuitously noted
Catholic and thus not a priest) was brought in to evaluate.
Dr. Prinze determined that Elijah’s member was naturally small
and had not been
Records reveal that
Ms. Rodriguez joined Landover Baptist
Church less than a
year ago. Inexplicably, her
church file is nearly empty with no paperwork revealing that she or her
former husband had passed any of the
entrance requirements for church membership.
Ms. Rodriguez is listed as a tin-level tither of Landover,
reporting a joint income with her ex-husband (whom she divorced last
month) in the first quarter of 2010 of just $12,017.
Church accountant, Micah Goldstein, reluctantly acknowledged that
this sum is grossly below the church’s minimum requirements.
Furthermore, Ms. Rodriguez had paid the hotel with a black
American Express card that bore her name but was registered to Landover
Baptist. She had charged
over $500,000 over the last three months to the account.
Church officials had no explanation for this activity.
Federal officials grilled Ms. Rodriguez over her
son’s previous claim (as well as her seemingly newfound financial
status). Ms. Rodriquez
insisted that her son had burned his organ immediately after church
services on the day in question.
When asked the source of the flame, Ms. Rodriguez noted that her
son had access to her purse.
When a search revealed her purse had no lighters or matches (and she
acknowledged giving up smoking over a decade ago), Ms. Rodriguez
invoked the miracle of Mary.
About that time, attorney, Tobias Shapiro arrived, noting he had
been retained by Landover to represent Ms. Rodriguez and her son.
Ms. Rodriguez then declined to answer any further questions.
When reached outside the villa in Barcelona that he
purchased less than a month ago,
Brother Harry Hardwick, former CEO, but
enjoying senior pastor status, appeared concerned.
“I don’t know why the secular media refuses to accept church
members’ claims. Obviously,
the Lord wanted Elijah to become a man whose seed propagates the planet,
so he undid the damage formerly done by the sermon in question.”
Betty Bowers, colloquially known as “America’s Best
Christian,” and current CFO of all church corporations, was more
sanguine. “I don’t know what
that boy’s situation was, but I do know that, over the last several
months, we discovered serious improprieties in
church’s finances. All
of that has been cleared up, hence, as far as I’m concerned, this matter
has been resolved.” Less
than an hour after this spontaneous interaction with the press outside
Trump International Hotel, Mrs. Bowers appeared at a previously
scheduled media event in
where she announced that Betty Bowers’ Christian Holdings, LLC had
experienced its highest single quarter earnings to date.
By the end of the day, the company’s stock price had increased 18
Pastor Deacon Fred, restored as church CEO just days ago, appeared
mesmerized by recent events.
“I don’t know what’s going on here, but I have a sneaky feeling demons,
possibly Wiccans, are at work again,” he told reporters at a hastily
convened press conference outside the vacant lot that matches his
residential address. “Both
groups have always had it out for me.
I come back to Freehold, Iowa after all this time, only to
discover one of my private homes is missing,” the pastor noted as he
waved his hand in the direction of the lot containing the remnants of a
recently razed building.
“Saturday, I got a long-needed haircut, well, ear hair trim, and my Visa
was rejected. So I pulled
out my debit card and it got rejected.
Jackson, the barber shop owner I baptized over
27 years ago, and whose children have been to slumber prayer parties at
our house threatened to call the police.
Fortunately, a church member recognized me and paid the $12 bill
in cash! Now, that little
Mexican boy turns out to have been lying the whole time!
And police didn’t
naturally suspect that!?
This whole series of events stinks worse than Satan’s ripe-red hiney! I
intend to get to the bottom of it, and mighty fast?!”
Pastor finished these last words only to observe to his left a
repo man driving away in his Mercedes S550.