PRESS RELEASE - September 5, 2010

Freehold, Iowa & Paradise Island, Bahamas -  Yet another mystery has descended upon the controversial change, then re-change, of leadership at the United States’ most populous and powerful church, Landover Baptist of Freehold, Iowa.  Just hours ago, FBI officials reported that Elijah Gonzalez, the young boy who allegedly lit his penis on fire after one of lead Pastor Deacon Fred’s fiery sermons – the child who signed a criminal affidavit, then disappeared -- had been located.  The boy was found by his mother’s side at a blackjack table at The Atlantis, a popular resort and casino in Paradise Island, The Bahamas.

According to officials, Ms. Ezra Rodriguez, Elijah’s mother, had been deep into play at the $5,000 minimum bet tables for some time before the FBI moved in and arrested her.  At the behest of Federal authorities, Ms. Rodriguez reluctantly allowed her child’s penis to be examined.  But given the proclivity of Mexican males to possess small organs, seemingly at all ages, officials had difficulty determining whether earlier claims were true.  Consequently, island medical examiner, Dr. Mario Prinze (whom officials gratuitously noted was not Catholic and thus not a priest) was brought in to evaluate.  Dr. Prinze determined that Elijah’s member was naturally small and had not been recently burned.

Records reveal that Ms. Rodriguez joined Landover Baptist Church less than a year ago.  Inexplicably, her church file is nearly empty with no paperwork revealing that she or her former husband had passed any of the stringent entrance requirements for church membership.  Ms. Rodriguez is listed as a tin-level tither of Landover, reporting a joint income with her ex-husband (whom she divorced last month) in the first quarter of 2010 of just $12,017.  Church accountant, Micah Goldstein, reluctantly acknowledged that this sum is grossly below the church’s minimum requirements.  Furthermore, Ms. Rodriguez had paid the hotel with a black American Express card that bore her name but was registered to Landover Baptist.  She had charged over $500,000 over the last three months to the account.  Church officials had no explanation for this activity.

Federal officials grilled Ms. Rodriguez over her son’s previous claim (as well as her seemingly newfound financial status).  Ms. Rodriquez insisted that her son had burned his organ immediately after church services on the day in question.  When asked the source of the flame, Ms. Rodriguez noted that her son had access to her purse.  When a search revealed her purse had no lighters or matches (and she acknowledged giving up smoking over a decade ago), Ms. Rodriguez invoked the miracle of Mary.  About that time, attorney, Tobias Shapiro arrived, noting he had been retained by Landover to represent Ms. Rodriguez and her son.  Ms. Rodriguez then declined to answer any further questions.

When reached outside the villa in Barcelona that he purchased less than a month ago, Brother Harry Hardwick, former CEO, but now enjoying senior pastor status, appeared concerned.  “I don’t know why the secular media refuses to accept church members’ claims.  Obviously, the Lord wanted Elijah to become a man whose seed propagates the planet, so he undid the damage formerly done by the sermon in question.”  Mrs. Betty Bowers, colloquially known as “America’s Best Christian,” and current CFO of all church corporations, was more sanguine.  “I don’t know what that boy’s situation was, but I do know that, over the last several months, we discovered serious improprieties in the church’s finances.  All of that has been cleared up, hence, as far as I’m concerned, this matter has been resolved.”  Less than an hour after this spontaneous interaction with the press outside Trump International Hotel, Mrs. Bowers appeared at a previously scheduled media event in Manhattan where she announced that Betty Bowers’ Christian Holdings, LLC had experienced its highest single quarter earnings to date.  By the end of the day, the company’s stock price had increased 18 percent.

Pastor Deacon Fred, restored as church CEO just days ago, appeared mesmerized by recent events.  “I don’t know what’s going on here, but I have a sneaky feeling demons, and possibly Wiccans, are at work again,” he told reporters at a hastily convened press conference outside the vacant lot that matches his residential address.  “Both groups have always had it out for me.  I come back to Freehold, Iowa after all this time, only to discover one of my private homes is missing,” the pastor noted as he waved his hand in the direction of the lot containing the remnants of a recently razed building.  “Saturday, I got a long-needed haircut, well, ear hair trim, and my Visa was rejected.  So I pulled out my debit card and it got rejected.  Jackson, the barber shop owner I baptized over 27 years ago, and whose children have been to slumber prayer parties at our house threatened to call the police.  Fortunately, a church member recognized me and paid the $12 bill in cash!  Now, that little Mexican boy turns out to have been lying the whole time! And police didn’t naturally suspect that!?  This whole series of events stinks worse than Satan’s ripe-red hiney! I intend to get to the bottom of it, and mighty fast?!”  Pastor finished these last words only to observe to his left a repo man driving away in his Mercedes S550.