Bismarck, North Dakota - At 9:20 a.m., Saturday, June 26, 2010, Mrs. Deacon Fred Smith (Macel), wife of the former CEO of Landover Baptist Church, Pastor Deacon Fred Smith, spoke for the first time in two months.  The utterance occurred at Landover Baptist Church’s purported “psychiatric facility” in rural North Dakota, named simply “The Facility.”  (The Facility is hundreds of miles from any other landmark and is not listed as incorporated in any particular town or county.  It does, however, list, as its mailing address, a Post Office Box in Bismarck, several hundred miles away.)  Reporters who have recently attempted to approach The Facility have been routinely ushered away, sometimes to the sound of rapid gunfire emanating from what appear to be guard towers located six feet above the chain link electric fence surrounding the compound.

The Facility gained the interest of news media when, in a surprise twist of events, Pastor Deacon Fred of Landover Baptist Church in Freehold, Iowa was arrested for purportedly inducing physical injury in a minor child with one of his sermons.  Immediately thereafter, as though they had planned for such a contingency, church members, Brother Harry Hardwick and Mrs. Betty Bowers (considered by many to be America’s Best Christian), stepped in, took over the church finances and began a revamping of the organization of Landover Baptist Church that is so preposterous and extensive it would make lifelong corporate raiders jealous.

According to a nurse’s assistant employed by The Facility, found at her trailer some 20 miles away (a woman who asked to be identified only as “Yolanda”), Mrs. Smith awoke from consciousness for less than 15 seconds, looked around the room in surprise, suddenly seemed to realize where she was and uttered five words that appeared to be “fatso…rich…beach…money…gone.”  Upon hearing the last word, Mrs. Smith’s longtime friend, Heather Hardwick, wife of Landover Baptist’s new chief pastor, Rev. Pastor Harry Hardwick, the Lord’s Official Posthumous Spokesman, who just happened to be visiting, intervened.  Pulling a collection of photographs from her handbag, Mrs. Hardwick grabbed Macel’s face by the cheeks, proclaiming, “Dear, it’s Heather.  Tell us what you know about this woman.”  Mrs. Hardwick then shoved into Mrs. Smith’s face a photograph of Edna Denkins, former secretary of Pastor Deacon Fred (who has not been seen or heard from in over a month).  The photograph showed Ms. Denkins in her “birthday suit,” standing outside a VFW Lodge in front of 10 geriatric, and partially enthusiastic, men. Immediately upon seeing the photo, Mrs. Smith began screaming uncontrollably.  According to “Yolanda,” Mrs. Smith’s EKG and blood pressure monitors went off the charts and two nurses and three doctors immediately barged in.  After Mrs. Hardwick whispered something into the ear of the doctor whom “Yolanda” believed to be the head physician (though she refused to reveal names), a nurse entered the room and injected three vials into Mrs. Smith’s IV tube.  Mrs. Smith immediately went to sleep and has not regained consciousness since.

“Yolanda” has no idea what was injected into Mrs. Smith’s IV bag on Thursday.  But she insists that for the past four weeks, Mrs. Smith has been on an IV regimen involving maximum doses of morphine, methadone, Dilaudid and other maximum strength narcotics, despite the fact that she was admitted with no visible injury and no physical pain.  Mrs. Smith remains in critical condition with no injury publicly disclosed.  Repeated telephone calls to The Facility has gone unanswered. Worse yet, in the wee hours of Friday, the trailer that a background check revealed matched “Yolanda’s” telephone number, burned to the ground due to what fire marshals are saying was faulty electrical wiring. Human remains were discovered inside. No one knows yet whether “Yolanda” was in the trailer but her pick-up truck was parked outside.