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National Headlines
Dr. Jerry Falwell Wins Lard Eating Contest
The 75th annual American Pastor's Lard Eating Contest was held in Lynchburg Virginia on December 3rd.
Dr. Jerry Falwell defeated last year's champion,
Pastor John Hagee by consuming over 127lbs of hog
fat in under 10 minutes. "I can do all things through God who strengthens me!"
Falwell said, as he wiped his huge chin with an entire roll of paper towels.
While this was not a personal record for Dr. Falwell, it was enough to win the competition.
Youths Jailed For Mocking Bush
Funeral services for Tommy Jenkins, 14, Billy Gordon, 17, and Rick Williams, 16, will be held this Sunday in the tractor shed. They had been apprehended on Tuesday for making unsavory remarks about President Bush. All three died in Landover Baptist Jail at approximately five minutes after midnight on Wednesday of natural causes and were immediately cremated.
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